Very good friend of mine's been cheated on recently. We had a good "Cheat Chat" the other day. I thought I'd cover it today (with their encouragement) to step away from politics and religion for a post. More of an opinion post for a Friday read. Infidelity seems to be a hot topic at the moment, everyone's talking about it- so I've been doing some sleuthing.
Disclaimer: I'd like to make it very clear that nothing I say in this post is in any way personal (unless otherwise stated), nor does it have any bearing on my previous relationships (I am still on speaking terms with all of my ex's, and intend to keep it that way, thank you very much). I will be including stories about people I know from conversations I've had this week. Names will be made up. Don't get mad. You all offered this information up freely... ;] (soz).
So, everyone's cheating, right? All you have to do is ask around, which is exactly what I did. I've been talking to friends this week and everyone is of the common concensus that everyone's at it! Here are a few of my case studies ;]...
Firstly there's Pete: Pete isn't sure if the constant exchange of Whatsapp messages he shares with an old friend from his home town qualify as merely flirtatious or as something less moral and potentially dangerous. He wouldn't want his girlfriend to know about them, obviously. But does that make him an cheat-in-waiting?
Then there's Helen: Helen doesn't consider kissing as cheating in a relationship, but still wouldn't tell her boyfriend that she engages in such behaviour on nights out. A sentiment which is also shared by Harry, who kisses other girls every weekend. But hates to consider his girlfriend may be doing the same.
Now Terry: Terry wants to leave his long-term girlfriend for the girl he met two months ago at a work do – work-do girl has it bad for Terry. Terry is scared of throwing away the life he already has, but is enjoying the thrill of his new potential love interest. What should he do?
(Turns out- quite difficult to think of names of people you don't know!)
THEN there's the LAD-pad (I named it that): The LAD-pad is a house full of boys that I know, who all cheat on their girlfriends every weekend, and all cover for each other when the girlfriends come to stay. Lovely time!
Then there is the married man (true story): The married man approached me in a bar a few weeks ago, we got chatting and he asked if he could kiss me (?!), obvious answer "No, I don't know you." (then I left). No mention of his WIFE... So the next day he added me as a friend on Facebook. Curious as to who the girl was in his profile picture, I accepted. Relationship status: Married. Picture uploaded three days ago- him, his wife and his CHILD on a walk. Deleted.
Anyway, I've seen it all. I have a friend who went away to uni and his girlfriend started up a weekday illicit cheat with his best friend back home, then played the doting girlfriend when she went to visit him at weekends; marriages ending; double lives.
Seriously. IS EVERYONE CHEATING? Is it the norm now??
It's very hard to find reliable statistics about cheating. It's not the kind of thing people tell the truth about, or have ever told the truth about. Psychologists think men generally overstate their infidelities, while women understate. The most regularly invoked figures suggest that about 30-40% of those in a marriage or long-term relationship will be somewhat unfaithful at some point.
I definitely think it's increasing though. People work more and travel more, and are more absent from their homes. Advances in technology mean we are connected, (in some cases intensely and continuously) with many more people than before. Technology also facilitates different definitions of cheating. Emotional infidelities are an ever-increasing issue with entire affairs are played out online and develop through text message exchange.
I also think it's equal between men and women. I don't think men cheat more than women, regardless of what any stats say. I don't think this was always the case, but with the feminist movement and depletion of traditional roles women are given more opportunites to be unfaithful.
I mean, it's not cool. It doesn't make it ok because it's more prevalent these days, but sometimes I think people get it wrong. It's horrible to be cheated on, of course it is; but I don't think cheating is a case of the cheater looking for another person- it's more that they are looking for another version of themselves. I don't think it's their partner that they're looking to leave, but a case of them wishing to leave the person they have become. It's selfish, and often their partner doesn't even come into the equation. It's just a rebellion- which is always indicative of ones feelings about oneself.
What I am trying to say is, if you are being cheated on, or if you have been cheated on, I wouldn't waste any time in thinking it's got anything to do with you. It's their issue with who they are. It's insecurity. This is the advice I gave to my friend.
I do believe that some relationships can survive infedelity, but bottom line- if you want to cheat, you're obviously not in the right relationship. Your girlfriend/boyfriend is obviosuly not giving you everything you need to be who you want to be, so just get out of the relationship, innit.
I've made this sound really helpless, haven't I?! For the record, I don't think you should run with the idea that it is inevitable that you will be cheated on. My advice to those who are is to never settle. Everyone deserves to have a faithful relationship, and I have faith that they do exist.
Am I too cynical? Or naïve to believe that relationships can be completely faithful?
I'd be interested in hearing what you guys think about this. Although, I know it's not an easy one to talk about. If you do want to comment- I suggest you do so anonymously!
Happy Friday!
L.
A note to my friends: Please remember you can always confide in me! I only might blog about it... Lovesya.
